New Year's Freak Show

I got a free dollar today. Even that was ludicrous and a waste of time.

If you have gobs of money on December 30th, or even if you don't and you'd like to pretend that you do, here are some ways to waste your time:

1) Try 50,000 times to get a reservation at the same night club that isn't answering their phones for New Year's Eve. Even though absolutely everyone wants to go there, they surely have some room left for your redneck hide.

2) Try to make a reservation at one of the most exclusive restaurants in one of the most exclusive restaurant cities in the world. One day before the date. When they miraculously have an opening due to a cancellation, at exactly the time you want it, turn them down because they're running a really fabulously special prix fixe menu that is 5 courses and costs $200 per person. Seriously? You turned that down? Go to McDonald's and don't ever call me again.

3) Try 50,000 times to get into another nightclub. Why not? Maybe this one will love you more even though no one has ever heard of you.

4) Try to get the very best seats to a concert that no one has ever heard of on New Year's Eve. When those seats are no longer available, don't accept lesser seats or look for ticket brokers. Just keep trying. Your tickets may magically appear from the box office. You are, after all, awesome.

5) When all else fails, run around in the snow in a sweatshirt in the financial district at 10:45pm on a Sunday night looking for a pack of smokes. Surely there is something open. When a stranger who is peacably listening to Tom Waits' "Come On Up To the House" is kind enough to stop what he is doing to let you know that it's a fruitless endeavor, act really shocked. Continue to run around fast.

Seriously, people. If you haven't got things figured out for New Year's Eve yet, don't bother me. I can't help you. Let's talk about April, huh? April, I can do something about. Even maybe next week.